Toxicum antimony
Kills the mind
Making imprudent
The tongue
Striking blows
But at whom?

Talking at
But not with
Pounding fists
Screaming mind
Writhing soul
Killing who?

Pain inflicted
Healing breach
Rejected in fear
Tempting the
Edge of the vortex
Deceiving whom?

Arrows aimed externally
Turn in the wind
Archers heart pierced
Relinquishing angst
But for who?

Doors slamming
Wildly echo
In the mind
Window flings open
Just in time
Inquiry remains
Step through?

As I sat this morning
Zen in the orange and blue
Soft, warm gentle breeze
Caressing my skin

You came to play
Just for me

Floating on the current
You soared
Wings gently rocking
To and fro

Gliding so free
Your spirit
elevated mine
Glee!

Working in tandem
Two working as one
What do you have
To say to me?

Floating with the Angels
Free in the sky
Ecstasy in freedom
We find

My spirit joins yours
In the flow
Feel the color
Swirling around us

Pure beauty to behold
Feel nature’s drumbeat
In my soul
We are free you and me!

If you haven’t experienced racial profiling up close and personal let me help you out here, it is ugly, damn ugly. Been in the headlines lately of course what with the whole Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. debacle. Are you one of those people who think well he MUST have been doing something wrong or it would not have happened? Well let me help you out here, I know that is not necessarily the case.

I lived in a predominately black low income neighborhood for 8 years, think college is the only place you can get an education, think again. Were there some stereotypical things happening there? Sure, you find that anywhere, including the small town I now live in. Met one of the smartest people I know there as well so it ain’t all what you think there folks, trust me. Came to know some very, very good people in my time there.

Did some community organizing, there was a community center that was being used by the city for storage, yep storage, got that restored back to what it was supposed to be complete with clinic and a head start program. Stared down a very unfriendly drug dealer/gun runner outside my unit one day which was interesting. Went before the City Council and spoke, which resulted in a community officer being placed in the public housing units over there which totally slowed that noise down. I had small children, had to be done.

So that was part of what I was up to and here are a couple of other experiences I had while residing there. One night I am sitting out on my porch talking to a guy I am dating who happens to have a darker skin tone than I do which isn’t difficult to have by the way, I am pretty dang white, don’t even tan well! Well dressed guy, nice car, well spoken, more often than not big smile on his face not exactly someone you would think looks intimidating or dangerous in any way.

Had his puppy with him who was quite rambunctious and kept jumping out the car window, big puppy, Mastiff so jumping out of the car window was not difficult for him. Police car cruises by, no big deal, happy to have them cruising through, not a bad thing by any means. A few minutes later there are four units parked in front of my townhouse and every one of those officers gets out and comes over. Now this is not a wild scene going on here we are talking quietly, my friend isn’t even all that close to me as he is playing with the pup and putting him back in the car.

I smile at the officers because like I said not a bad thing these guys cruising through, I helped get one of them stationed across the street a couple of years before. I start getting questioned about where I live by one of them who keeps eyeing my friend while the other three officers start giving this guy an enormous amount of crap for not having the pup on a leash, a dog that when they pulled up was in his arms and is now in the car albeit trying to jump out again.

This went on for 30 minutes people I kid you not, 30 minutes! Identification please, how do you know this man, which unit do you live in, etc., etc. My friend was calm and easy going, he’s not stupid after all and I was remaining the same because I was certain more than once that they were going to arrest him even though he did not come anywhere approaching anything that would have even in anyone’s imagination provoked it. Then I watched every one of those cars follow the man out of the complex, followed him halfway home. That was a long fifteen minutes of my life before I got the call he was home believe me because the way these officers were acting nothing they would have done would have surprised me at that point.

Another night, I am sitting out on my porch talking to another male friend same thing just less of a scene, one car, one officer and at least no identification was involved but come on now, really! There was not anything that should have looked odd to this officer and believe me I saw some things go on over there that warranted attention and we weren’t one of them I assure you.

Now here is what really makes this interesting folks. Another summer night, I am sitting out on my porch, talking to a friend on the phone, kids are in bed. I look up and three young men go running into a unit that sits on the diagonal from me. Seconds later they drag another young man out into the parking lot and start beating him severely while yelling about a woman he apparently had the misfortune of doing something or another with that one of the beaters took exception to. So I go back into my unit and call 911, seems like the thing to do when a guy is getting beaten and kicked in the head repeatedly. Know what they told me? Sorry but we can’t come out there unless you can give us the number of the unit they drug the man out of! I gave them my unit number and the exact location of the unit they dragged the poor guy out of and explained that I was standing there watching him getting beaten to death and they would not come no matter how much I argued with them. When it was over the guy was unconscious for a few minutes, then got up and staggered and drug himself back into his home. All the while I am begging these people to send officers and an ambulance and they won’t do it. I still feel sick thinking about it to this day and that was almost twenty years ago.

Think it doesn’t still happen? Think again. Think America is all over it because we have a black President, think again. That and things like it still happen every day in this country. My youngest son is half Irish, half African American. Two years ago as he is walking through the parking lot of his elementary school with some friends an adult male, I refuse to call him a man, who is there in his capacity as a Boy’s and Girl’s Club employee, tells one of the girls in his charge to “stay away from that one because he is a half breed” As things like that are bound to do word got around and got to me at my son’s baseball game that night and the guy who said it happened to have the misfortune to be there that night. I won’t go into what I had to say to him here but it was the topic of conversation the next week around here and I am normally one of the quietest people you‘ll meet.

My son’s skin color is as white as mine and he has the most gorgeous red hair you’ll ever see. His hair texture is like his Father’s and his build, otherwise he’s all me as my other two are, I have some bad a** genes:-) In the two years since that first incident happened and he went through middle school he has been called the ever lovely “N” word one a few occasions. He’s a good kid, smart, well mannered, dresses well, excellent athlete, quiet nature like his Mom, not that we can’t and don’t get going and have our fun, point is not a trouble maker. Wasn’t provoking it any of the times it happened, minding his own business and yet ignorance prevailed.

So folks again, think that mind set doesn’t still exist in present day America? Think again.

Josh is a very talented lead guitarist and vocalist, wonderful to watch, and his band mates, Myrl Brown – Bass and Vocals and Mike Lindsay – Drums and percussion are awesome as well. As I was sitting and watching how animated Josh is while playing I kept thinking of the Essurance commercial where folks go from real to animated, he really is THAT animated and into what he is doing….very fun to watch! His hands were flying so fast on that guitar on some numbers that they were a total blur, very cool visual!

Here is the other thing I found interesting about that night….alcohol and how things start to change in a bar between 10:30 and 11:00 pm, that magic half hour during which the alcohol kicks into effect and people start losing their inhibitions. Not something that has escaped my attention before but I haven’t been in a bar for that length of time in years so it was rather a refresher course in human nature.

I spent a fair amount of time in bars in my teenage years, yeah I know what can I say it was the seventies and I was coming of age! During those years I was most certainly one of the drinking participants. Later in my late twenties and early thirties I did spend some time on a fairly regular basis with friends in bars watching comedians but even more going out dancing, we were all not drinkers at the time so Saturday night was not a first for me, just the first time in a long time and a rather amusing reminder of “There for but for the Grace of God go I“.

It definitely reminded me of some of the very reasons that alcohol does not hold much of an allure for me. It is sad I think that so many people turn to it thinking it is the answer to having a good time or escaping, when in reality it is a depressant and truly folks it can make you act like an ass. I am all for having a good time, fun is wonderful, but I will share with you something I discovered a very long time ago, everything is more fun sober and I do mean everything, music, dancing, sex, etc., etc.. It’s how life was meant to be experienced I think, without your senses dulled, wide open and experiencing it to the fullest.
Of course there were some folks there who just had a couple of drinks, perfectly fine, but I am referring to the folks who just keep on drinking because they think it is the way to let it all hang out and have a good time or think they can‘t do it any other way.

The little group that I found the most amusing was comprised of three women who were certainly out to have a good time and more power to them, and they made me smile more than once that evening but boy by the end of the night man oh man! One of them kept losing her footing and ended up with her butt firmly planted on Josh’s pedal board, not just once but twice. I had been sitting there waiting for it to happen and happen it surely did. Don’t think she did any damage but by then she was so past loopy it took her awhile to get up off the thing.

Earlier in the evening I enjoyed dancing with my son a bit, which by the way totally made him points with a cute girl tending bar whose number he was trying to get;-) Mostly though I was enjoying sitting there and experiencing the music, just having a good time, minding my own business as it were and observing all the goin’s on. So during one my son’s recon missions to the bar as I am sitting with his friend totally into the music one of these women totally grabs me by the hand and yanks me out onto the dance floor and do I mean yanks. The two girlfriends she had been dancing with had temporarily abandoned her to go drag a couple of guys out there with them and apparently she felt the need for company.

Dancing with other women is something women do quite naturally I think most of us are just that way, probably something healthy about that, in the past however when I have partaken in such activity it has been with friends of mine and I knew it was coming this one took me by surprise I must say. I will admit it made me nervous for a second there as well as they had reached the point that they were being overtly sexual with each other, putting on a show for whoever it was they were trying to pick up and I was not interested in being a part of that particular show. So mercifully it was only about half a song and I managed to have some fun with it, the highlight was when she leaned over and asked me if my son’s friend was my boyfriend, pretty much sums up where their collective minds were at as if there were any doubt by that time;-)

So when I left there and was driving home after the show that night one of the things I was thinking is this….something I have noticed with the current adolescent generation that I know through my youngest who will be sixteen in November that I find both encouraging and fascinating is this, in his group of friends it isn’t only the girls who are perfectly comfortable with dancing with other girls it is the guys as well. These kids at school dances are something, they are sober, dancing with whoever and full throttle having a good time, they rarely sit down, just full on do it, and I think it is wonderful that they are that secure in themselves….gives me hope for the future!

They are certainly more evolved than my friends and myself at that age, thank God!

So back to Josh Vowell and the Rumble as I wind this up, they are awesome, they are going places and if you get the chance to see them go for it! Below is their current and upcoming schedule. Keep your eye on them…. and you can check them out here: http://www.myspace.com/joshvowellandtherumble …I look for them to be a big success!

Light and Blessings,

Stacy



Upcoming Shows )

Jul 15 2009 8:00P SIDELINES JAM TOPEKA, Kansas
Jul 17 2009 8:00P KOBIS BAR & GRILL, BONNER SPRINGS KS,(www.myspace.com/kobisbar) BONNER SPRINGS, Kansas
Jul 18 2009 8:30P UNCLE BO’S, TOPEKA, www.unclebos.com 785-234-4317 TOPEKA, Kansas
Jul 22 2009 8:00P SIDELINES JAM TOPEKA, Kansas
Jul 24 2009 10:00P McBEES SPORTS BAR & GRILL, TOPEKA,KS. (785-267-7400) TOPEKA, Kansas
Jul 25 2009 8:00P CONRADS BAR & GRILL, OVERBROOK KS,(785-665-3395) OVERBROOK, Kansas
Jul 29 2009 8:00P SIDELINES JAM TOPEKA, Kansas
Aug 7 2009 8:00P THE OFFICE (www.drinkattheoffice.com)TOPEKA TOPEKA, Kansas
Aug 8 2009 9:00P THE HIDEOUT BAR & GRILL, GLADSTONE,MO.www.myspace.com/frankgabel GLADSTONE, KANSAS CITY, Missouri
Aug 14 2009 9:00P LLYWELYNS PUB , OVERLAND PARK, KS. www.llywelynspub.com OVERLAND PARK, Kansas
Aug 15 2009 9:00P BOBBY T’S SPORTS BAR & GRILL, MANHATTAN,KS(785-537-8383) MANHATTAN, Kansas
Aug 21 2009 6:00P PARKVILLE DAYS, PARKVILLE MO.(KCMO) PARKVILLE, Missouri
Sep 5 2009 9:00P THE SLOWRIDE ROADHOUSE,LAWRENCE KS.www.slowrideroadehouse.com (785-749-2727) LAWRENCE, Kansas
Sep 11 2009 9:00P JAX EATERY AND DRINKS, TOPEa(785-266-0020) TOPEKA, Kansas
Sep 12 2009 9:00P PERRY BAR & GRILL,PERRY, KS. (785-597-5295) PERRY, Kansas
Sep 19 2009 9:00P BOOMERS BAR & GRILL, GLADSTONE, MO GLADSTONE, Missouri
Sep 25 2009 9:00P JERRY’S BAITSHOP, LEE’S SUMMIT,MO.(816-525-1871) LEE’S SUMMIT, Missouri
Oct 2 2009 9:00P JAX EATERY & DRINKS, TOPEKA,(785-266-0020) TOPEKA, Kansas
Oct 3 2009 9:00P THE CELTIC FOX,TOPEKA,KS (785-235-2138) TOPEKA, Kansas
Oct 9 2009 9:00P THE HIDEOUT BAR & GRILL, GLADSTONE MO.www.myspace.com/frankgabel GLADSTONE, KCMO, Missouri
Nov 6 2009 9:00P THE SLOWRIDE ROADHOUSE, LAWRENCE KS. www.slowrideroadhouse.com LAWRENCE, Kansas
Nov 7 2009 9:00P BOBBY T’s BAR & GRILL, MANHATTAN,KS. www.bobbyts.com MANHATTAN
Nov 20 2009 9:00P JAX EATERY & DRINKS,TOPEKA,KS TOPEKA, Kansas
Dec 4 2009 9:00P JAX EATERY & DRINKS, TOPEKA(785-266-0020) TOPEKA, Kansas
Dec 5 2009 9:00P THAT PLACE, TOPEKA,KS.,visit www.myspace.com/thatplacetopeka TOPEKA, Kansas
Dec 12 2009 9:00P THE CELTIC FOX, TOPEKA,KS (785-235-2138) TOPEKA, Kansas

Naked you sat
At the end of your bed
Legs criss-crossed
Knees to your chest
Arms wrapped ’round

Your pale skin
Stark against
Green eyes that
Bore into mine
Beseeching me
to understand

Your heart calls to me

Longing

A river runs through it
pathway to intertwined souls

Mist swirlin’ round us
warm gentle wind blows
Hearts reawaken
healing begun

The journey before us
illuminated path
The Angels shine
and bring love
into the sun.

A chant calls
Understood in the soul
Standing in the river
Water rains down
The twin is found

Fascination of youth
Suddenly understood
As eye to eye we stand
Seeing to the core
Understanding unspoken

The Hawk cries
Music to my soul
The wild horses run
Spirit soars
Intertwined in the air

Journey begun
So long ago
Tree house refuge
Healing land
The river soothes
Our souls

Gratitude!

In Scotland

]]> http://ki3ds.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/mist-a-true-story/feed/ 2 ki3ds http://ki3ds.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/stairway-to-heaven/ http://ki3ds.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/stairway-to-heaven/#comments Sun, 12 Apr 2009 10:41:15 +0000 ki3ds http://ki3ds.wordpress.com/?p=13 ]]>  

Music is an interesting thing in my life and it certainly became ever more interesting after John crossed over. I had been waking up for awhile hearing certain songs in my head after dreams that sometimes I remembered and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes woke up thinking in a Scottish accent but that’s another story for another time.

I have a boom box in my bathroom and turn the radio on when I take a shower, helps me relax. So here I am last February, John has just passed and I have been to his memorial, for months I have been building a play list that was becoming more and more meaningful on my journey, it was kind of a build up to this day, I was hearing in things in songs I had never paid attention to before.

So I turn on the radio, I’m in the shower and Stairway to Heaven starts to play and I cry for the first time in a long time to that song. And then it happens, four or five songs in a row, most that I have not heard in a long time, some I don’t remember ever hearing, and with the exception of the first I have heard none of them on this radio station that I listen to all the time ever before. And every single one of them as clearly as sonic boom, clearly John. I have never experienced anything quite like it before. I was shaking by the time I got out of that shower. And then there it was gratitude, a smile, a laugh, a WOW and a Holy Shit as well, and I smile every time I think about it.

This morning here is this song again and I heard it again with new ears, it is a song of hope, a song of journey, a song of gratitude and a song of love. That is what it is to me. And all I can say to that is thank you my old friend John, Keith, Led Zeppelin and Wow, Far Out!

What do you think? Does this song speak to you? Let me know what you think….

Peace
Stacy

Feel, See, Hear, pay attention to your body, it will tell you what you need to know if you listen. Sixteen months ago a new path on my journey began for me and a welcome one as it turns out. Now if you had asked me at the time if I thought it was a bright new beginning I would have recommended you have your head checked and probably not that politely either.

So heres the thing, after several years of failing health, countless tests and procedures for different things, a lot of pain and pain medication and way more Doctors opinions than I care to think about, it came down to December 2007, the big one, we need to whittle on your cervical spine (again) and this time for an added bonus of fun, we need to whittle on your brain as well. Well sure why not, I feel so exhausted, like a walk to the front yard will find me falling over in it so why not.

Now, I have had to have way more surgeries in my time here on earth than any ten people ought to have to submit to, not excited about yet another. Had to have my first at fourteen (knee), ah fourteen, a lot happened that year for me, but not to get side tracked. I am at that time 47 but just a few short weeks from 48, and I am thinking for the first time I’ve had to have one of these delightful procedures, am I going to live through it? Never bothered me before, now it was bothering me a great deal, here is what I am thinking, I still have the youngest boy at home (he had just turned fourteen, I knowJ ) doesn’t really seem like a good time to leave. Didn’t fear death, that comes when it comes, but this thing with the youngest gift from God, well, come on now.

I have been a single parent since 1988, and in that 20 years had three major surgeries and several other more minor ones as well as enough tests, scans, etc. that I am surprised I don’t glow in the dark. Never approaching any of those was I concerned, now however, big worry.

As the Universe will have it, it came down to this point in time, I had to have it, didn’t know if it would work or make things worse again and for the first time contemplating one of these barbaric procedures, I feel fear. So I make arrangements for my youngest to stay at his best friends for 3 weeks, as I am going to be in the hospital a week and then have to be at my Aunt’s for another 2 weeks because I can’t be alone. The night before my surgery he goes out to eat with this family and then comes back home to get his stuff for his stay. I am outside talking to his friends Mom, giving her all the paperwork etc. she might need and out of nowhere she says to me, my husband and I have discussed it and if anything should happen we would like to take your son into our home. Wow, well now that is not something you hear everyday, and here is what happened after the initial shock, tears and hugging, during which the boys yelled from the van, enough female bonding alreadyJ , there was peace. Peace, total peace, that no matter what, everything would be all right. A true go where Angels fear to tread moment and look what happened!

Well okay, what did happen you say? A miracle, that’s what, not a bang, boom, burning bush , all at once, Holy Crap kind of miracle but a slow, then ever rapidly increasing journey down a river of Hallelujah.

Three weeks out of that surgery, I did not need pain meds anymore, and I had been on an ever increasing parade of the damn things for years. All of a sudden, I don’t need them and I know I don’t so I just quit taking them. Wow! I still have a noticeable stripe shaved up the back of my head when I realize, I have balance again, Wow! And on and on it goes, thank God!

Was it all a treat filled road, not hardly, my blood pressure whacked out day two of hospital stay, I was out of it, but with a eerie awareness for a few days during which people including my doctor were looking at me like I was suddenly speaking a language they had never heard before, not a comforting experience believe me. My thyroid shot craps or finished shooting and got some much needed attention. It was a week of unmitigated hell, followed by a slowly emergence to Eureka!

So now here it is April 2009, and is my journey complete, nope, but every day it gets better and better. I learned patience, as well as a host of other things and now for the first time in years I feel alive, more alive than I ever have before. The weight I gained during the whole ugly process preceding the healing is melting off and I have started to see myself emerging in the mirror again, which only helps the blood pressure, which makes me feel better, which makes me able to be more and more active, I want to listen to music again, etc., etc., assuming you get the picture here.

Has it happened overnight? Not hardly. Have I had to rest plenty, which gets harder and harder to do the better and better you feel? Yep, you bet I have, but your body tells you what you need when you need it, if you listen.
When I see my eyes in the mirror now, I can actually see the progress reflected back at me in those big, green babies.

Do you see, hear, feel, listen?